If I was to ask the question, “How do I listen?” my answer would be, a bit differently with different people and circumstances, but on the whole, not really that well. I personally do not know anyone that truly listens, though one or two people do seem to listen, at times, with their whole being. When the other person is totally open to me, communication is easier, freer and more productive. Have you also noticed that?
There are times when each of us is truly a good listener. Those are the times that someone we care about says “I love you”. Any time our ego is enhanced, we listen. When we are the main topic, we listen more than when the topic is someone else. So, we listen according to our needs or pleasure.
Yet, if you observe while you are supposedly listening to another, you will note that the internal stream of consciousness continues its endless commentary.
I think it is easy to observe that the mind is mostly occupied with its own agendas while carrying on conversations. This seems to come from a tremendous preoccupation with our self-interests.
I notice myself steering conversations to areas that I find interesting or important to me. I notice that the other is doing the same thing. We talk at cross-purposes or think we are discussing the same thing, when in reality we are each pursuing our own agendas. When we each talk from our own view points or experiences, how can our minds ever meet?
While memory is operating, we hear only partially what is being said. We think we have the “gist” of it, the main points. The other person is also listening to you partially and catching what they consider to be the main points. So, is there any real communication going on?
It is worthwhile to know what good listening is and how that contributes to deeper understanding. I will use J. Krishnamurti’s description of what good listening is, since he was known to be an excellent listener.
He says that to listen well you must listen to everything with a relaxed, quiet mind. You don’t only concentrate on the other’s words. If you do, you miss things. Listen to nothing special, to all sounds; listen to your thinking when you are alone, feel your mood, each word and each feeling, but without strain and then you hear everything. You hear the speaker at a deeper level than the words they are using. You sense where they are coming from and sometimes you sense what they have difficulty saying or avoid saying.
So good listening is a state of your total being. Not grasping or making any effort. Not resisting anything. Not carrying on an inner dialogue, for then you hear through the screen of your own agendas.
…to listen well, you must listen to everything with a relaxed, quiet mind.
Is the above is fact or opinion? That can only be discovered when one is interested in finding out the truth. Only in experimenting with the above ideas one can find out for oneself what prevents us from being good listeners.
I have found that as long as all my attention is on myself, the mind cannot be quiet and at ease. If I only concentrate my attention on the other person, they are not at ease for they can see and feel the direct spotlight. I have never felt comfortable if someone is consciously staring at me while talking to me.
I hope you will see that listening is not only with the ear, but of all of you, listening to everything How do you listen?
